My life used to simple, perhaps even too simple. I can't argue the fact that my father gave me the easy lifestyle. A type of lifestyle that would draw such a degree of envy from my older brother that would end up damaging what little relationship we had. But my father & I had the most comfortable relationship, a type of relationship that I miss having these days. Not that my mother & I don't get a long (cause we do), it's that we really understood each other. I miss coming home & just saying hi to him, I miss the thumbs up he'd give me whenever he'd go out, I miss him coming into my room early Sunday mornings when I am trying to sleep in asking me "what are we going to eat for lunch today."
I miss that old lifestyle.
I have realized that I have come to an end of a chapter in my life. I knew one day I would have to 'grow up' but I really didn't think everything would unfold like this. I think that's what makes it so hard for me to swallow. I used to wake up with a feeling of guilt thinking about how much my father gave to me. Some say it's unconditional love; a parent giving everything they can for their children. I know one day I will have that duty but I only wish I could of said one last "thank you" or "I love you". I hate realizing stupid cliche's like "You don't know what you've got till its gone" are true.
With that cliche in mind, I often think of my brother. Do I miss him? no, I just think about how someone can live life with his kind of personality. I have no desire to have him in my life. I can honestly say that he serves the motivation I need to become a better, more successfull person that he is today. Do I wish any harm? no. I hope he's healthy & keeps doing what he's doing. I just have my own brothers who have been there for me through thick & thin.
To me, this expierence has been a painful lesson. My father was everything to me. Those who were close to me understood how much I loved living with him. I wonder where he's at, I wonder what he's doing & I wonder when I am going to see him again. I also realize that these are questions that will never be answered. No matter how much we hate life sometimes, we love it too much to stop living.
All in all I can't complain with what life as given me. I have great friends, I have expierenced wonderful journey's & had a father that loved me. If only he knew how much I missed him.
I don't know why I wrote this, perhaps I just needed to get it out